It is the self-destructive man in us that revel.
We forget tomorrow, yet we just want everything to end. We are weird, sometimes
we want the ends, and sometimes we hate that the end is coming. We capitalize
on the past to bear the misery of the present for a fantastic future. Ahhh
“Should I drink coffee or should kill myself” do not you think that “Sisyphus”
had the perfect ending, so interestingly beautiful. Sisyphus must be truly
happy. Do you copy? Maybe it is just some blank infinity, so do not worry
yourself.
I have walked this road so many times, the fall,
the gloomy cloudy cold weather. It is not the same place, but it feels the
same. The same path at least. One may at some point recognize the ending. Yet,
one closes his eyes and hope for a better journey at least. It is difficult for
one to keep his sanity. It is the pit of self-destructive insanity that I truly
fear. I may be fulfilling my
self-destructive fantasy of falling in the same exact pit. The funny thing is,
I am not redirecting. Oh well, maybe I am. “Do you wonder why I prefer to be
alone? Have I really lost control?”
Sometimes, I think that I can be someone else, no
what you think. I mean I can blend and get used to the place and time, to the
people and the culture, that I feel I lose my own identity. No, I have actually
at some point adopted new identities and then lost those too. The so many
contradictions in my brain right now is enough to render me with personality
disorders. I am brilliantly significant, just as you. And I am brilliantly
insignificant, an image of too many faces oddly reflected in a mirror.
Speaking of mirrors. Oh, how I hate and love them
at the same time. They speak to me not in images of course, I ain’t yet
definitely crazy, I can see no flying Cuckoos near my nest, at least for now.
At some point mirrors show the ugly truth with no disguise, they show the
emptiness inside us, they show the true naked us. Yet, mirrors build this ugly
ego inside of us all. It makes us think how we are beautiful, it poisons our
mind with unspoken words. Look how great and beautiful I look today! Look how
my hair look perfect! Look at these couple of grey hairs, I am ageing! Look how
ugly and fat I am! Pure poison. It is weird how can a mere reflection of one
self be toxic and self-harming. "Obsessions lament to freedom"
At other times, I wonder on the notion of free
will. Huh, crazy I can hear your thoughts from just reading this. Are we in
fact free? Should I let the glass I am holding, it will fall and smash, based
on my own free will. Yet, in the course of our life, we do not control all the
parameters. It is as if, we have options limited to certain predefined paths.
The comprehension of free will is mind dazzling.
We are so inadequately tiny, yet we think we are
on top of the world. Oh get out of your small tiny box that you incarcerate
yourself and thoughts in. you need to hear my thoughts to understand who I
really am, and so am I. The more I know the more I realize how tiny,
insignificant I am. How can one be arrogant, when we all are significantly
insignificant? Someday I will break my
chains, and grow out of my cocoon, or just fall in that inadmissible pit. But
for now “Let my own lack of a voice be heard”. “As we pass ever on and away
towards some blank infinity” I will keep ranting up until I figure out
something about something, or at least maybe.
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